A Renewed Focus on Bullying

Posted on May 13, 2012 by Rebekah

by Larry Mathys

[part 1 of a 2-part series on bullying]

On a typical morning a few days ago, my adorable 10 year-old niece approached my brother and his wife with something they never thought they would hear from her. “I hate my life,” she said.

Thinking that it was nothing more than a 10 year-old being overdramatic about her upcoming school day, my brother and his wife decided that it was best to stay calm, and find out why she would say such a thing. I’m sure any parent will understand that a statement such as this cannot be easily dismissed. It took a few minutes of prying, but they finally got her to tell them what was troubling her so much.

Frustrated and angry, she told them, “There’s a group of boys that makes fun of me because I’m not a Christian.” She paused, and said, “They told me I was going to hell.”

Doesn’t this type of pitiless behavior seem rather abnormal for children of this age group? Pointing a condescending finger at another person and proclaiming that they are going to hell, in fourth grade, cannot be anything but learned behavior. I see no other way to explain how boys this age acted out with such fervent, religious conviction against another child. They had to have some type of coaching from adults.

Furthermore, I would submit that these boys’ actions provide a clear psychological window into their developmental surroundings. Seriously, nobody in their right mind would say that kids are born with the idea of an afterlife, much less an afterlife filled with eternal torture and suffering. And the heartbreaking point here is this: these boys were purposefully and maliciously taught by adults to treat kids of other religions, or no religion, with hatred and cruelty.

I’m sure you can imagine how difficult it was for my brother and his wife to endure listening to their beautiful baby girl struggle with the toll of psychological bullying in the name of a particular religion. Watching your child endure this type of pain would make any parent completely nauseated. I know I was.

The most troubling part of this whole situation is that more than likely, this group of boys knows nothing more than simplistic anecdotes of their parent’s religion. Yet at a mere 9 and 10 years-old, they are already boldly segregating themselves and hoisting each other up as superior to others. Of course, I cannot say with certainty where these boys learned this contemptuous behavior, but judging by the opinions I have read about public school systems from religious fundamentalists, I have a very, very strong hunch where it’s coming from.

But this topic is not meant to point fingers at their parents or at their church, because I don’t think fussing about religiously aggressive kids is very productive and it does nothing to address the problem at hand. Griping also feels a touch passive aggressive, and that bothers me since I don’t want to set that kind of example for my children.

Instead, what I’d like to do is explore a few situations encountered by my family and myself, and then accompany these with a set of suggestions for the secular and non-religious families that may have children going to school with religious bullies.

We’ll explore situations of

  • verbal bullying (or confrontational bullying),
  • indirect bullying (lying, starting rumors), and
  • psychological bullying (playing on fears or other emotional states, and intimidation.)

Just to be clear, these topics will not cover extreme situations like those of Jessica Alquist or David Fowler. These two teens showed exceptional courage in the face of real threats of violence. The extent of this bullying far exceeds the scope of my experience. However, if you or a family member is in this type of situation, let the professionals help you. Don’t hesitate; grab your phone and immediately call the police, then call the Freedom From Religion Foundation. Threats of violence to you or to a family member, threats of rape, and threats of murder should not be taken lightly, and the FFRF has lawyers ready to assist you at a moment’s notice.

* * * * *

Continue reading →

Posted in For the kids, Reflections, School issues | 1 Comment

Wanted: Your Voice!

Posted on May 2, 2012 by Rebekah

by Rebekah Bennetch, Saskatoon Secular Family Network & co-editor of Parents Beyond Belief

Greetings, readers!

We’ve had a bit of a hiatus from posts here on the PBB blog — mainly due to my own busy schedule. One thing I’ve noticed is that it’s sometimes difficult to ask parents to write posts, if only because we’re always so busy!  I think that also holds true for my job here as editor of the blog.

But now I’m back on the hunt for more secular moms and dads to contribute posts to Parents Beyond Belief. If you’ve got a story, some advice, or an experience with your secular parenting group that you would like to share, let me know! We would love to host your experience here on our blog.

Feel free to contact me via email [rbennetch@gmail.com] or leave a comment here and I’ll be in touch.

Posted in Online presence | Leave a comment

Secular Humanistic Parenting: Lessons From the Foxhole

Posted on March 4, 2012 by Rebekah

by The Dudes’ Daddy

They frequently tell us that there are no atheists in the trenches, but I’ve spent some time in a trench, and I’m here to dig out the truth.

It was actually more of a shallow pock that I carved hastily with a folding shovel more suitable for building sand castles on the beach than protecting a man from deadly artillery.

I burrowed in the dimple that I made in the ground, listened very carefully to the distant blasts that came from the bad guys’ side of the battlefield, and then eagerly anticipated the whistle in the sky, which meant that the flying object of destruction has passed over my head, to touchdown elsewhere. When I didn’t hear the whistle following the exit-boom, I planted my face in the rocky soil with my arms protecting the sides of my body, my hands covering my ears, and waited for it to be over.

Sometimes a shell landed very close, other times far away, but I’m here to tell you that not even with the nearest blast did I plead with a divine providence to save my young soul; it never crossed my terrified mind to pray. I was only 19, and probably didn’t know the word, but I was an atheist regardless, and in a foxhole of all places.

So what does this have to do with dadding my teenage dudes?

In the 30 odd years that have passed since my pants pissing paratrooper days, I have formed a few opinions (some would say way too many) and consolidated my beliefs. When I became a father of two curious little guys who made it a habit to ask many big questions, I had to dig even deeper, and come up with answers that are clear, and morally consistent. That’s how I found Secular Humanism.

Secular Humanism (SH) takes it a step farther than atheism, which is by definition merely a rejection of a belief in the existence of a deity. SH goes beyond what you do NOT believe in. It sets some core moral values that provide guidance in a person’s life, not unlike religions do, but without the fear of hell, the reward of heaven, or the conviction that those guidelines are memos from god’s legal department.

As children gradually turn into teenagers and young adults, they encounter situations where they have to make complex decisions; their innate human ability to distinguish right from wrong may not always provide the guidance that they need. As a parent I find it helpful to give them a path, or at least a suggestion of a path. Teenagers may decide to stray from that path at times, and that’s okay. I’m not advocating a set of strict rules, only a reminder of what they already know.

The views on humanism and SH are many. You’d expect that from a bunch of unorganized free thinkers. I just want to touch on five basic guiding humanistic principles that I try to maintain in my life, both personal and parental. These principles are closely related to the five Buddhist precepts that lay practitioners vow to abide by. This is not surprising: Buddhism in its purest form is a philosophy of life, where answers to the big question are found inside us humans, not out within a deity. When the dudes had their (secular and humanistic) bar mitzvah celebrations, I gave them a framed print of these five principles to hang over their beds:

  1. Do not knowingly and needlessly kill, or harm other beings.
  2. Do not steal, or take what has not been freely offered to you.
  3. Do not lie, or use speech in a harmful manner.
  4. Avoid sexual misconduct.
  5. Avoid drugs and intoxicants.

These simple principles leave a great room for interpretation and elaboration. In my blog (www.daddingdudes.com) I dedicate a post to each one, and the ways in which it’s related to parenting. The bottom line is that following these principles makes one a happier person. They elegantly and succinctly leave religion out of the picture, and render it as unnecessary in parenting as it is in the foxhole.

Posted in Reflections, Teenagers | Leave a comment

Hell and A Happy Ending

Posted on February 23, 2012 by Rebekah

by Steph Bazzle

“One of my classmates told me today that I’m going to Hell,” says my son. He’s eight.

Let me say that a different way. My eight year old child came home and told me that a classmate says he’s going to burn and suffer and be tormented forever, for as long as he can imagine and longer still.

Those aren’t the words used – the child used a rather innoccuous euphemism, actually. He didn’t even say ‘Hell’. He said ‘down there’. But we know what Hell means. Why beat around the bush? That was the message: you will burn and hurt and die forever.

We’ve been over this many times, and the “No, you’re not going to Hell” response has been quite thoroughly done, so instead I asked him what he said back.

“I told him I wasn’t going to discuss it.” Okay.

“How did it start?”

He says, “That part was kinda funny. He took this yellow piece of paper and balled it up and threw it to me and said it was a mesage from God.”

“What did it say?”

“That’s the funny part. I opened it up and it didn’t say anything! It was just blank!”

“Well, that sounds like every message from God I’ve ever had. Then what?”

“I threw it back, and after a while he told me I was going ‘down there’. And then he said he’d told our whole class. Can I go ride my bike now?”

Clearly he wasn’t too upset about the incident, and I sent him on his way. My general rule is, let them talk about it as much as they want and need, and then let them go. The part that worried me most was the wide and sudden spread of the information. This incident was minor – might the next one be less so?

I emailed the teacher, cc’ing the principal and guidance counselor. I left the child’s name out, and stressed that we were not seeking for anyone to be punished, but felt that the relevant staff members needed to be aware of the situation, in case there were any more serious incidents. I expected a dismissive response in my inbox the next morning, letting me know that all children were treated fairly and that they didn’t need any special awareness to properly handle a bullying situation of any kind.

Instead, I got a phone call from the principal, only a few hours later, letting me know that she had received the email, and was already working with the guidance counselor on a presentation to remind kids to treat everyone fairly and kindly, and that this included people of any background, income level, skin color, or religious preference.

I was really pleased and impressed with how quickly she jumped on it, and how sincere she was in her intent to make sure that there would be no future problems.

The most important part is, my kid is satisfied. He’s glad I didn’t mention his classmate’s name. Even though what the classmate said is truly awful, his intent really wasn’t. He was only parroting what he’s been told as fact. That’s usually the case with these things, I think.

And my son sees it the same way- “Yeah, he wasn’t trying to be mean. I mean, he said I was going to hell, but that’s just because he thinks I am.”

He is really glad the counselor is going to do a unit on tolerance, and that it will be for all classes, not just his. This way he’s not singled out, any good it does will also improve the bus and playground experience, where he’ll be with kids other than classmates, and it may improve things for other kids too, who may be having similar experiences and be afraid to speak up.

When I quoted the principal to my son, “And we’ll talk about thinking before we speak, because something like that, like you said, the child didn’t mean to be hurtful but it certainly could have hurt your son very much,” he was downright giddy. I think this is probably the best possible outcome, and that those words are quite possibly the most important part of it.

If kids realize that saying, “You’re going to hell!” or “God is going to punish you!” or “You must be really bad!” are hurtful words, nasty words, then I think many of them won’t say them.

And those who still do? Well, we’ll at least know that they mean it.

Posted in For the kids, Reflections, School issues | 1 Comment

Celebrating Darwin

Posted on February 11, 2012 by Rebekah

by Sharon Stanley, Ethical Humanist Society of Long Island

I first heard about “Darwin Day” at the American Ethical Union’s Delegate Assembly in 2005. It when here that I first found out that many of our sister societies have celebrated this event for many years.

The American Humanist Society began their International Darwin Day Foundation over 10 years ago. Since I have always had an affinity toward secular holidays, I was eager to jump on the evolution bandwagon and coordinate this event here on Long Island.

The question of “Why Celebrate Darwin Anyway?” came up more than once. I needed to find the answer to this question to justify the idea to have this event.

In order to find out more about this man Charles Darwin, I planned to read his book. With lofty plans of “plowing through” this book, when I actually sat down and tried to read The Origin of Species I could not even get past 2-3 pages and I’m embarrassed to admit, I had no desire even try! I don’t find him to be a compelling writer.

My father thankfully suggested I read Stephen Jay Gould’s writings about Darwin; and here I could find the answer to the question “Why Darwin?”

There were two things that struck me as being examples of Ethical Humanism’s core beliefs. Darwin actually had a difficult, ethical dilemma during his scientific research. In 1839 Charles Darwin was a theist when he arrived at his theory of Evolution. He waited 20 years before releasing this book, The Origin of Species. He feared that the public was not ready to hear that conditions other than those stated in the Bible created our natural world. He was also afraid of retribution for such shocking insights. He did not publish his book until 1859. His bravery took 20 years, but he finally did the right thing.

This reminds me of one of our core beliefs in Ethical Humanism: “Deed before Creed.”

Gould also points out that Darwinian Evolution dispelled some of the myths that were at the roots of racism. His theory eventually proved that there is no inferior race, so therefore there is no master race. Genetically, we all came from the same place. Here was our second core belief illuminated: “Ethical Humanism believes in the inherent worth of every one.” Our common humanity brings us together. Darwin is a great example of someone who overcame his own discomfort in order to help humanity.

Apparently, Darwin was an ethical humanist and he didn’t even know it!

To find out more about how Sharon’s group celebrated Darwin Day, read her article in this month’s The Humanist: Why Aren’t More Kids Celebrating Darwin Day?

To find Darwin Day events in your area, visit the International Darwin Day Foundation.

Past PBB articles on Darwin Day and Evolution:

Posted in For the kids, Programming, Reflections, Science ed | Leave a comment

Come to Jesus Cupcakes

Posted on February 10, 2012 by Rebekah

by Noelle George

The last few months I have been going to a weekly baby group hosted at the hospital where I delivered my daughter, Sonia.  Each week is a different topic, sometimes with a featured speaker and sometimes with a group share format.  I usually check the topic beforehand, but one week last December, I didn’t.  If I had, I might have considered staying home.  The topic was: Holiday Traditions.

My gut response was to make an excuse and leave.  It’s funny because I love talking about religion and religious traditions with close friends and relatives.  However, I definitely don’t want to be in a situation where it’s me and a bunch of people I don’t know, and I either completely hide a big part of who I am or face the conversion committee and/or firing squad.

Not only was the topic ‘holiday traditions’ (hey, at least they used a generic name), but a few other factors weighed heavily on my mind:

Format: group share. Uh oh.
Bible belt? Check.
Holiday season? Check.  This year’s “war on Christmas” is well underway.
 Children involved? Check.  Mama grizzlies are on the prowl, ready to protect their young.
More than 5 people? Check. Mob mentality likely, snowball effect almost a certainty.

For me, easing into the atheism discussion gets much better results here in Texas, where people are likely to either run screaming for the hills or begin full ‘conversion’ mode with waves of religious e-mails, weekly invitations to church, and various not-so-subtle conversations designed to help me see the error of my heathen ways.  Since I usually don’t want to deal with either of those reactions, I typically start slow and build up to the scary A-word.  That way, people get to know me first and see that I don’t fit all the negative Atheist stereotypes.

As the facilitator rambles on about the usual intro and mundane business items, I debate with myself: when it’s my turn to share, do I come out, loud and proud, or do I tone it down a bit? I’ve already come out to my smaller weekly play group as ‘not religious’ during a baptism discussion, but I haven’t reached the A-word revelation yet.  A couple of my play group moms are here, and I’m not ready to get kicked out of the play group yet.

Another ingredient to add into the mix: I’m on the end so I may start off the discussion, giving everyone else the chance to react.  On the stage in my head, a scene unfolds…

Me: I’m an atheist and my husband is Catholic so we celebrate a secular Christmas each year.

Next 20 moms: I’m a Christian, of course, and we believe that Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ so we will attend church and pray and celebrate the reason for the blah blah blah…..

Translation: We all feel so threatened by the scary atheist that we need to explain how we, as good Christians, celebrate the ‘true’ meaning of Christmas with all the required Christian Christmas ingredients. Throw in some ‘Merry Christmas is being hijacked by Happy Holidays’ sprinkles and you have a recipe for a ‘Come to Jesus’ Cupcake.

What to do, what to do?

Step 1: Look busy and preoccupied and hope the facilitator starts at the other side of the line, so that I can end the discussion based on how it goes up until that point.  Hey, if there’s a lot of Christian crap on a cracker I might be down for a bit of educational rabble rousing.

Step 2: Listen carefully for any self-righteousness, martyr language (Christians have it so rough, our holiday is under fire), or arrogant assumptions that everyone is Christian.  Plan a few responses based on my judgment of whether the group is tolerant, indifferent, or a headless mob of zombie followers.

The facilitator looks my way, but I feign a booger/diaper/spit-up emergency and she turns toward the other end of the line.  Yay, it worked!  Fist pump!  Or fist bump?  I mentally do both for good measure. The first mom shares a couple of fairly secular traditions, like baking cookies and opening presents.  I don’t hear any religious self-righteousness or ‘everyone believes as I do’ assumptions.  Ok, we’re off to a good start. A few moms down the line share religious traditions, but still not enough of the ingredients for ‘Come to Jesus’ Cupcakes.

Most moms express concern about how to divide their time between families: one mom shares that her sister has insisted that they must celebrate at her house because she has more kids. Whoever has the most kids wins? Sounds like a quiverfull mentality. Then one mom shares that she is Jewish and her mother converted from Christianity to Judaism.  Her grandmother is still Christian and the conversion was difficult for her. They will celebrate Hanukkah, and Grandma is not allowed to address presents from ‘Santa’. One more with secularish - yes I made that word up - holiday traditions, and it’s my turn.

Step 3: Pick from my few planned responses.  Based on mostly neutral/indifferent responses so far, I pick a multi-religious response with an educational, tolerant slant.

“My family isn’t religious (yes, I’m still avoiding the A-word) but we celebrate Christmas.  My husband’s family is Catholic, so we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas together. Our families both live out of state (1000 and 2000 miles away), so we typically travel to one at Thanksgiving and one at Christmas, then alternate the next year.

Now that we have Sonia, we decided to alternate spending one of the holidays at home each year and visit one side during the summer instead. In the past I have also thrown a holiday party to celebrate all the December holidays: Yule, Hanukkah, Winter Solstice, Christmas, and Kwanzaa. I have a menorah and some Christmas ornaments, and I like to share a little bit about each holiday at the party.”

Hmmm… this is strange. No swooning, no curses or speaking in tongues, no uncomfortable sidelong glances? We move on to the next mom, and then to the mom after that, who has Muslims, Christians, Jews, and Buddhists in her family and so they also celebrate multiple holidays.  I wonder how they managed the religious baby ceremony issue and whether they have the Coexist bumper sticker on their car. And later another mom shares that she and her husband are different religions, Catholic and Christian (cue puzzled look from me – aren’t those the same religion just different denominations?), and that they are debating about which church to go to on Christmas.

So really, it wasn’t at all as dramatic as I expected.  Sorry that it wasn’t a more interesting conclusion for you, the reader.  But for me, it was encouraging.  This is what I hope for in the future, for my daughter:  that religion is not an issue.  I’m so glad I didn’t skip out on what I thought would be an uncomfortable experience. :D

Noelle George is the Program Coordinator for Volunteers Beyond Belief, a program of Foundation Beyond Belief.  She founded the Mothers Beyond Belief group on Facebook last October, which has grown to almost 900 members, and has recently become the Web Events Manger for Parenting Beyond Belief, assisting Dale McGowan in developing online content based on his popular seminars.  Noelle is also the coordinator for the Houston Freethought Alliance (the Houston Coalition of Reason).  She is originally from Seattle, and now lives in Houston with her husband and 9 month old daughter Sonia.  She enjoys playing the piano, sleeping, and trying not to take herself too seriously.

Posted in Holidays, Reflections | 1 Comment

Guardianship Gridlock — A Test of Tolerance

Posted on January 31, 2012 by Rebekah

by Kiersten Brown

There’s an old saying that is often used in a shrugging the shoulders manner that says “You can’t choose your family”. While that is certainly true of the family one is born into and one married into, I cannot say that I agree with that sentiment completely. There is often a third and often more important family to call from; the one that consists of a mix of the family members one likes and the friends who are so close that it is like having a sibling save for that pesky detail of blood relation.

I certainly did not choose the family of my birth, but because of how I was raised and the lessons I learned from them, I accept them anyway. My mom is a recently converted member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and when she decided to tell me she was joining that church she admitted that she was scared to tell me because within my immediate family I am known for being a humanist. I just had to remind her that the most important lesson she and my dad taught me is to accept others no matter what their faith, race, orientation, etc. may be. Differences are what make us who we are as people, and if we cannot like the whole person, differences and similarities, there is little point in interacting with people at all.

It took me years of hiding my personal viewpoints on religion and some serious depressive episodes because of mistreatment by others that led me to be more openly humanist. While I don’t announce it, I’ve stopped hiding it. This has led to a very large rift in the family I married into. My parents-in-law are wonderful, one an atheist and the other what I call a peaceful praiser, or a PP, someone who is religious but not pushy or overly vocal about it.

I often find that there are at least two main groups of religious people: PPs, like my mother in law, and the other group, the fanatically faithful. FFs, as I like to call them, are the ones who are not only vocal about their faith, but forceful with it, often to the point of bullying. There are certain members of my husband’s family who fall into that category, and they are often the ones who do not know when to stop pushing, thus the rift.

Now, this is all fine, and often it is possible to ignore the family who fall into the FF camp (save for those who make it a point of acting like a bully and causing conflict in a family) but when you start a family of your own, it makes it very difficult to make major life decisions that affect your children. My husband and I are in the process of picking a legal guardian for our son, and it has proven to be one of the most difficult decisions we have ever made.

It is difficult under normal circumstances, but for humanist/atheist parents it seems to be an especially difficult task. Not only do we have to think about things like financial responsibility and age, we really have to consider how we want our children exposed to religion. In our case it’s become a matter of what deciding which is more important, our child’s ability to live without want or our child’s ability to live without religion.

Before the rift, we had been considering my husband’s sister; she’s similar to us in age and she and her husband are comfortable in their living and have other children. Her husband falls under the PP group; very nice and peaceful about his faith, and while he considers himself a conservative Christian he’s not overly pushy about it; in fact, except for the difference of religious beliefs he’s the kind of role model I would want for my son. But because his wife, and her nearly manic behavior of late, we are now back at square one.

I have two brothers of my own, and love them both; one of them actually has a bond with my son and is one of his favorite people to see. There is an age difference between us, but it is the fact that we raised him as our own that is our main concern. We know what it is like to raise a child that is not ours but is of our blood, and at a young age at that, and we don’t want to put that sort of responsibility onto him unless absolutely necessary. He shares our beliefs, and he’s the type of man I want my son to look up to. Right now he’s 21, just two years older than I was when my husband and I took him into our care. I remember the struggles we had, and while it would be slightly different for him because our son is of an age that he could have fathered a child the same age, it is not an easy or simple life to live. My other brother is a soldier with a child of his own, and with his possibility of deployment high, it is not an ideal situation.

We have friends, and some of them are as close if not closer than blood; the problem with that is that because we are so close we also know why we wouldn’t want those people as guardians, even though they are the family we chose. And my parents-in-law are wonderful, but they are getting older and it may be difficult to for them to keep up with a very active child.

I don’t know how the legalities of it can work, but I wish it were possible to do a community of guardians; people who share our ideals and would promise to be a part of our son’s life, like the godparents that are involved in a Christian baptism. If it were possible to have my husband’s parents and my son be involved in the day to day care and safety of my son, with some shared time with my parents and our friends who love our son written into the guardianship paperwork, it would be ideal. But legally, I don’t think it is possible.

Since we do not want the courts to have to decide who would raise our son, especially if someone like our less mentally stable family members tries to force themself into the picture, we are stuck trying to decide. I do not think it is the same for those with religion; most of them often pick people who share their beliefs without question. But when you are in the minority, and are often misunderstood because of a lack of belief, it adds a conundrum that can often test how tolerant a person really can be of difference of belief and makes one reflect on what values are more important to impart on their child.

Do we allow our child to be raised by someone who is religious and financially comfortable? Or do we allow our son to be raised by someone with the same values as us, but may not be financially as stable?

Posted in Legal issues, Reflections | 2 Comments

Books for the budding skeptic

Posted on January 27, 2012 by Rebekah

by Mindy Rhiger

Being a skeptic isn’t that different from being a librarian. Honestly, much of my graduate school experience in my library classes was a skeptic’s dream come true.

Librarians-in-training learn how to research and evaluate information in preparation for life behind a reference desk where we help people find answers to their most pressing questions, which can range from “Where is your bathroom?” to “Why is the sky blue?” and anything in between. As author Neil Gaiman said, “Google can bring you back 100,000 answers. A librarian can bring you back the right one.” It’s gotten in my blood, I guess. Or so it seems.

These days, I am a children’s literature specialist in my day job, and I sometimes find myself drawn most to the books that fall in with the skepticism that is part of my chosen profession.

For example, I had to laugh at the lesson-between-the-lines in Buzz by Eileen Spinelli. This picture book, aimed at preschoolers primary graders, is about a young bee who comes upon a newspaper headline that says “Professor Declares Bees Can’t Fly,” and she is convinced that she really can’t fly. She tries and tries, but every time she tries to take off, she crash lands. It isn’t until a friend is in danger that she manages to fly again.

The main lesson readers are to take away is one of self-confidence, but I am more interested in the lesson contained in the newspaper article, of which we see just enough to see that the headline is misleading (apparently, bees shouldn’t be able to fly aerodynamically-speaking). Who says you have to wait until your kids are older to start talking about media literacy? This picture book gets the conversation started.

The Princess and the Pig by Jonathan Emmett delivers a similar lesson with a dose of kid-friendly humor and a princess. But this isn’t your usual pink and girly picture book. In this story, we start with a piglet named Pigmella, and we watch as she is inadvertently switched with the baby princess Priscilla. When the farmer comes home to his wife with a baby girl instead of a piglet, they say “Well, it happens all the time in books!” as they point to some fairy tale or other.

Kids will love to find the fairy tale references, and the slapstick humor involved in watching pig in place of a princess will also be a huge hit with many kids. I loved the chance to talk about the idea that things can happen in stories that don’t happen in real life.

My favorite skeptical picture book, though, is Anton Can Do Magic by Ole Konnecke. This German import has a little boy attempting to imitate The Great Sorcor, a magician. Anton has a hat just like Sorcor, and he wants to make something disappear. First, he tries to work his magic on a tree. When it doesn’t disappear as expected, he tries something smaller: a bird. As he works his magic on the bird, his magic hat, which happens to be a size or two too large, slips over his eyes. Readers know that the bird just flew away, but Anton is convinced he made it disappear. Even my four-year-old caught on right away that Anton was missing something, and she giggled as Anton surprises himself by making friend Luke disappear (So he thinks; readers watched Luke walk away when Anton couldn’t see).

It’s a great example of a picture book where the text and illustrations work together to tell the whole story, and parents might use it to talk with kids about how sometimes what we think we see isn’t really what happened.

With just these three books we could introduce media literacy, fiction vs. nonfiction, and considering all the evidence before jumping to conclusions. Throw Jenny Offill’s 11 Experiments That Failed–with its humorous look at the scientific method–into the mix, and you have the perfect introduction to information literacy.

The librarian in me can’t help but cheer these books on, and the skeptic in me wants to share them with every family I know.

Posted in Book clubs, Critical Thinking, For the kids, Resources, Science ed | Leave a comment

A Fear Greater Than Death

Posted on January 25, 2012 by Rebekah

by Jackie Brown

“Am I going to die someday, Mom?!”

I will never forget when my older son, now seven, not only grasped the concept of death but applied it to himself in the same day.

“Yes,” I leveled with him, “all living things eventually die.”

The waterfall of tears started immediately as he panicked and pleaded with his father and I, saying that he didn’t want to die.

“It’s okay, son.  When you die, you go to Heaven.”  It would have been such an easy “out,” wouldn’t it?  I get why people use it as an explanation.  I get why people buy into it.

Even as a 33-year-old, death can scare me silly if I think about it too much.  Every once in awhile I do, and I find myself on the verge of a panic attack.  I think, “Oh my gosh, I could go…at any minute…gone forever!”  Then, I come to my senses and take comfort in the idea that I’m a relatively healthy adult with a strong sense of self-preservation; I’m probably going to live a long time.  Sometimes I fantasize about being that crabby elderly atheist lady to whom no one can say anything because no one argues with the elderly; they’ve simply had too much time on earth not to respect their “rank”.

So, we didn’t tell that lie to our son.  We didn’t tell him that he’s going to Heaven.  When someone did tell him that lie, we told him that we didn’t believe in it.  We believe that when you die, you die.  That’s why it’s so important to be good while you’re here; you only get one shot!

“But, when you die, eventually your body goes back into the soil,” we told him, “and parts of you get to be a part of something else in nature again someday.  So, a part of you will always exist.”  That seems far more beautiful to me than a bunch of rules or having to profess your love for some god, and profess a love stronger than any love you feel for anyone else.

My progressive Christian friends really like to tout the “God is Love” phrase, and I get why that is.  No one wants to be told they’re going to Hell.  Few Christians even want to think or be reminded of the wrath of the Old Testament god, but there are some who will tell their children about that jealous, needy god.  My parents told me about him, and it scared me senseless!

Well into adulthood I still clung to religion and the hope that there was a god because I was so fearful of a devil who wanted my soul and demons who I was convinced wanted to possess me as was explained to me when I was a child.  I can’t really say that I ever believed in a god.  My parents and the churches they took me to really tried to convince me.  There were people “speaking in tongues” and people so “filled with the spirit” that they would run around the sanctuary.  Now I think many of those people just so desperately wanted to believe that they subconsciously prompted themselves to do that, and then there were some who purposely deceived.

But it brings me to my point in this story.  Such a wonderful story was perpetrated to convince me that good and evil forces were in a grand fight for my soul!  What a horrible, horrible lesson for a child. To me, it is tantamount to abuse to convince or even just to tell a child that if she doesn’t pander to the good side enough, the evil side will win and consequently may win her soul.

So, in our discomfort, sitting there with our sobbing son in his discomfort, we were honest with him.  We told him that he will someday die and that will be that.  We told him this is what we believe and that other people have other thoughts on the matter (reincarnation, among the plethora of other ideas, can be saved for a later date).  We sat in our discomfort and his, and we allowed his sorrow.

We allowed him to experience the range of emotions because “Heaven” may be an easy out, but its partner “Hell” is a concept that will be far more damaging in the long run than the thought of someday no longer walking on this earth.

He cried, and then he laughed.  And then he cried again.  And we just assured him it would be okay, and we told him that he would most likely live a long and wonderful life.  We were honest with him, and I am sure someday he will appreciate us for it.

I am sure we have already laid the foundation for a relationship built on trust rather than fear.  I give this to my children willingly, without fear, and with the knowledge that it may not always be comfortable.  I give it to them despite the potential heartache.  I give it to them despite the potential for unanswerable questions.

I give them the truth because it was not given to me.

I was not allowed to make up my own mind, but my children will always be given that right and provided with an environment, in which to make those decisions, without coercion or fear.

Posted in Reflections | 4 Comments

The perils of being pregnant and nonreligious

Posted on January 7, 2012 by Rebekah

by Brandy Crainer

Pregnancy isn’t always a joy ride. One thing that really doesn’t help is the pressure from others to adopt their ways and assume a first time mom isn’t capable of making decisions.

Everybody from my grandmother to people I barely know seem to feel obligated to tell me how to raise a kid that’s not even here yet. Everything from church to vaccines to what clothes the kid will wear seem to be up for discussion.

There are a few things that I didn’t even think would be an issue that all of sudden are – like differences in values.  Some people are still shocked by the idea an atheist would be concerned about values. But yes, I am.

My values don’t include teaching a kid they have to go to church or they’ll be damned to a place of fiery torment, and certainly don’t include teaching them their parent is going to Hell. I won’t force her to belong to a religion. It’s very sad to see my grandmother, who I respect and love, all of sudden decide I’m in need of God and so is a kid who isn’t born yet.

I value thinking for yourself, and my child will get plenty of exposure to various religions from attending Unitarian Universalism classes. It teaches the same values that matter to me, that we respect everybody regardless of their religion (or lack of), race, gender, or sexual orientation and we don’t force our beliefs on others. Sadly, for some people this isn’t good enough. I wish it was, but it isn’t.

In my ideal world, the idea of respecting everybody wouldn’t be controversial. I wouldn’t have to tell people what they’re saying is racist or try to figure out how to respond before I have a child watching me respond. The news wouldn’t treat it as normal to declare atheists are criminals. I wouldn’t have to worry if someday my kid will face discrimination if she chooses to follow the same path as me or if she’ll have the guts to speak up if she sees another child being bullied. There wouldn’t be the concern if people will ignore my wishes and push female stereotypes on her; science would be “girly” and Disney Princesses wouldn’t.

However, this is the real world, and there really is constant negative messages she and I will have to deal with. I wasn’t always too worried before when people presented things opposite to my core values as fact, often I was just quiet. So what if they made the occasional racist or homophobic remark?  No big deal.

But very soon, it will be a big deal.

Soon I’ll have a little set of eyes watching my every move closely. I still remember how my mother responded to these dilemmas when I was a kid, and I want my daughter to see it’s okay to stand up for yourself and others. As her parent, in the end, it won’t matter as much what others say and tell her or me; it’ll matter what I say and do in response to these people and problems. I won’t get it perfect, but nobody does. She’ll most likely turn out just fine.

Another odd thing people seem to do to new moms, especially first time moms, is assume we want their opinion on every medical topic related to babies. From a first time mom: Stop, please. I’ve been told everything from I’m dooming my kid by vaccinating them to I need to buy amber teething beads to how dare I drink caffeine while pregnant.

I’m plenty well informed on vaccines, as I happen to be on the autism spectrum myself, so the fear mongering that I’ll doom her to an unsatisfied life with autism pales in comparison to me to the potential consequences of not vaccinating. You don’t vaccinate your kid? Great, good for you, but let me do what I want and don’t assume I haven’t researched. I understand caffeine isn’t great for fetuses, but trust me, it’s more harmful if her mom is grouchy constantly. If I do require medical advice, I’d probably research reliable resources and consult the doctor who went to school for this.

The best thing anybody could do for a new mom or pregnant woman is to give them space. Chances are, if they want advice, they’ll ask. We have enough worries in our heads without the help of random people telling us what to do or what not to do. Everybody knows stress is bad during pregnancy, and not helpful after the baby either. A great way to reduce it for the pregnant people and new moms you know is . . . let us be.

Posted in Pregnancy, Reflections | 1 Comment