© Glendon Mellow, The Flying Trilobite

Ho ho ho no mo

And so, as predicted, Santa has darkened the McGowan fireplace for the last time.

linkyDelaney (8) followed the same classic curve as the other two. She started last year with the ancillary technical questions of a child who’s begun to smell something funky but doesn’t reeeally want to dig to the back of the fridge just yet.

“Regular reindeer don’t fly. How do Santa’s reindeer fly?”

“Well…some people say they eat magic corn.”

Magic corn. The rapidity with which this sharp, science-minded, reality-loving inquirer would happily swallow lame answers of that kind and skip tra-la away demonstrated as clearly as anything could that she was more interested at that point in perpetuating this particular belief than in figuring things out—a fact further underlined by her disinclination to ask the obvious, direct question that we would willingly have answered at any point, namely “Is Santa real?”

(Sorry about that sentence, I’m reading Infinite Jest again.)

Same with many kinds of belief. It’s not that true believers of various kinds don’t ask questions — it’s that they so eagerly accept poor answers to those questions in order to preserve belief. It’s something we all do at various times and places in our lives. Yes you do, and have, and will. Me too.

At some point (with Santa, anyway) the weight of inconsistency eventually becomes too great, and the direct question is asked. And when it’s asked, you ANSWER, and congratulate the child for figuring it out.

Just before Christmas, Laney’s questions intensified, but remained oblique. At one point she looked Becca in the eye and asked the most convoluted almost-direct indirect question I’ve ever heard:

“When I’m just about to have kids of my own, are you all of a sudden going to tell me something that I need to know about something?”

“Uh…not that I know of,” Becca replied. Which was true.

“Good, because I love Santa.”

“Who said anything about Santa?”

“Never mind.”

Two weeks after Christmas, Erin (12) came downstairs at bedtime with a look of panic. “She’s figuring it out, and I don’t know what to do!!”

“Figuring what out?” I asked.

“Santa! Laney’s asking all these questions and I don’t know what to do!! I did your thing about ‘Some people believe…’ but then she keeps going and going!”

“That’s awesome! That means she’s finally ready to figure it out. Just answer every question honestly. Do you want me to come up?”

“Yes. No. Well, in a little while.”

I waited ten minutes, then went upstairs. The girls were sitting on their beds facing each other and looked up with little smiles as I entered.

“What’s up in here?”

Laney nodded sagely. “Well…I figured something out.”

“What did you figure out.”

“I figured out…the thing about Santa.”

“What thing is that?” Say it, girl!

“That…well, he isn’t real.”

“Oh, that.” I smiled and sat next to her. “How does that make you feel?”

“A little upset. I really loved Santa!”

Now with Laney being the youngest, I knew there was a risk of her feeling embarrassed at being the last to know. But we’d always played with a very light touch, allowing her to believe until knowing became more interesting — which it now apparently had. Time to let her walk proudly through that door.

The key is to underline the proud. I asked how she had figured it out, and she proceeded to describe a fascinating trail of clues that I hadn’t even known she was following.

She sleeps in my T-shirts, and one night found a half empty box of candy canes nestled in the drawer. “Who buys candy canes in a box?” she said, further noting that this year there were no canes on the tree, only in…the stockings.

“And all of the Santa presents were in Santa paper except the ones for you and Mom. And there was still a price tag on one of my presents.” And on and on she went. She had noticed these things because she wanted to, because she had reached a tipping point between the desire to believe and the desire to know.

So I turned on the praise. “Look what you did!” I said. “You used your brain to figure out all of those clues…and you did it yourself!”

She beamed.

“Was it fun to figure out?”

“Yes,” she admittedly, it actually was.

“And the best thing is that all of the good stuff about Christmas,” I said, “all the fun, all the family stuff, the presents, the yummy food, the lights and music and doing nice things for other people — we still get to have ALL of that. But now you know where it all really comes from.”

She has shared her findings with every significant adult in her life, proof that pride quickly eclipsed disappointment. “Guess what I figured out all by myself,” she says. Only one adult went into a “Yes, Virginia” genie re-bottling attempt.

“Grandma,” Laney said patiently. “You don’t have to do that. I looked at all the clues and figured it out. It’s fine.”

So I remain convinced that our family’s Santa period was jolly well-spent. As I wrote in Parenting Beyond Belief,

By allowing our children to participate in the Santa myth and find their own way out of it through skeptical inquiry, we give them a priceless opportunity to see a mass cultural illusion first from the inside, then from the outside. A very casual line of post-Santa questioning can lead kids to recognize how completely we all can snow ourselves if the enticements are attractive enough. Such a lesson, viewed from the top of the hill after exiting a belief system under their own power, can gird kids against the best efforts of the evangelists -– and far better than secondhand knowledge could ever hope to do.

And I wouldn’t have mythed it for the world.



This was written on Thursday, 25. February 2010 at 11:39 and was filed under critical thinking, extended family, holidays and celebrations, My kids, myths, Parenting, PBB. You can keep up with the comments to this article by using the RSS-Feed.

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  1. That was a joy to read! I have an 8 year old and am experiencing very similar questioning from him. I had a smile on my face the whole time I read this post, knowing that soon I will be having a similar conversation with my little inquirer. Thanks for sharing!

    Comment: deb – 25. February 2010 @ 12:18 pm

  2. Wow, that story fills me with such delight. I actually giggled and clapped my hands while reading Laney’s questions. I’m glad to hear that the experience of figuring it out was ultimately gratifying for her, and I think the disappointment serves its purpose too. I felt a little of the familiar twist of sorrow when she said, “I’m a little upset. I really loved…” That’s a valuable point of reference to have when interacting with people who are or have been religious.

    Comment: Michelle Galo – 25. February 2010 @ 12:53 pm

  3. great story. our boys figured it out when they were 8 and 6 – they discussed it together and reached the same conclusion – neither of them really cared once they confirmed with us that they would still receive the same number of gifts. They were under strict instructions not to spoil it for their little sister (which involved rolling their eyes and using air quotes everytime they said ‘santa’) and managed to maintain the fiction for her.

    Our youngest is 5 and loves Santa and Christmas but she annnounced to some older children (9 and 10 year olds and still true believers) at a party after Christmas that ‘santa is just mum and dad pretending because….’ the other parents weren’t very happy but we hadn’t thought to have the ‘pretend for the sake of the other children’ talk with her because she is young (and in this case the youngest in the group) – we had thought the older kids would disappoint her not vice versa! She still talks about santa like he is real but I think she just wants to believe for a little bit longer.

    ps: we had a family celebration on Darwin day with a fancy dinner, evolution cake, a gift (book) from Darwin for everyone in the family, with a note from Darwin himself attached – she now thinks Darwin lives with Santa 🙂

    Comment: paula – 25. February 2010 @ 3:30 pm

  4. I really like this story. You might remember that we’re not Santa-ers in our family, and your essay in PBB did not sway me to change my tune. If I’d read this instead, though, I might have.

    I love that she was so proud of playing detective and figuring it all out. I love your “we still get to have all that (wonder) even though (mystical figure) isn’t real” as well. Good analogy.

    As always, you’re an inspiration, Dale.

    Comment: joley – 25. February 2010 @ 4:44 pm

  5. Dale,
    I really enjoyed this story and I like the way you and your wife handled this. My boys will be getting to that age soon.

    BTW, I just discovered your blog last week and started reading Parenting Beyond Belief this week.


    Comment: Jeff Hope – 25. February 2010 @ 4:49 pm

  6. Social comments and analytics for this post…

    This post was mentioned on Twitter by iSylvan: Fantastic post! Way to go, Delaney! 🙂 “Ho ho ho no mo” http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/blog/?p=3738 (via @memingoflife)…

    Trackback: uberVU - social comments – 26. February 2010 @ 5:20 am

  7. Having the “Santa talk” with my son (the October of the year he was 9) was absolutely one of the most gratifying parenting experiences that I have had thus far. It’s awesome to watch as the dots are connected and to know that this is a trial run for other dot-connections in the future. And he really floored me when he came back to me later that day and said, “By the way, Mom, thanks for all the gifts!”

    Comment: codysmom – 27. February 2010 @ 7:23 am

  8. My 7 yr. old told me last week that there is not Easter Bunny. It’s somebody dressed as the Easter Bunny that comes in and leaves candy. He says that everyone has their own person that comes and this seems to satisfy the fact that one individual can’t get to all the houses overnight. He was so excited that he came up with this on his own.

    I figure this is the first step in figuring out that it’s actually mommy and daddy that leave the candy. He’ll be 8 in December and I’m wondering if this logic will extend to Santa. I gotta say I was a bit skeptical about Dale’s approach, but I decided to just wait it out and I’m glad I did. The excitement he showed in figuring it out was such a reward to him and me. My daughter (5) was a witness to this epiphany and she seems fine with it.

    Thanks Dale…I owe you one.

    Comment: Lisa – 02. March 2010 @ 1:28 pm

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