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It’s funny/sad/scary how many things we humans get not just wrong but precisely backwards.
We try to make ourselves safe from terrorism by military force—in the process, creating deeper anger and much more fertile ground for terrorism.
We try to raise moral kids by inculcating unquestionable rules and commandments—which turns out to be “worse than doing nothing” because “it interferes with moral development.”1
We try to prevent teen pregnancy by abstinence-only sex ed, which results in equal or greater rates of teen pregnancy. 2
Some of us try to protect our kids from religious fundamentalism by shielding them from all exposure to religion—an ignorance that results in many secular kids being emotionally seduced into religious fundamentalism.
And in our fervor to protect our kids from risks, we often deny them the chance to develop their own risk management smarts—which then puts them at far greater risk.
The whiplash reply to this line of thought is often, “Oh, so you’re saying we should raise kids without rules, encourage them to enjoy unprotected multispecies sex at age twelve, and let them cartwheel down the middle of the freeway while smoking?”
That’s right. Those are the two choices–ya diametrical, dualistic, black-and-white, not-more-than-two-options-seeing putz.
(Sorry, that was harsh.)
One of the decisions parents have to make is how best to approach the issue of alcohol. Since most of us can be assumed to share the goal of raising kids who will use alcohol responsibly and safely once they are of legal drinking age, the question is about how best to get there.
Once again, it’s research to the rescue. And once again, it turns out that the advice of our jerking knee is precisely wrong. Children are more likely to develop dysfunctional and unhealthy habits regarding alcohol if it’s made into forbidden fruit and a magical rite of passage into adulthood.
“The best evidence shows that teaching kids to drink responsibly is better than shutting them off entirely from it,” says Dr. Paul Steinberg, former director of counseling at Georgetown University. “You want to introduce your kids to it, and get across the point that this is to be enjoyed but not abused.” 3
In his landmark 1983 study The Natural History of Alcoholism, Harvard psychiatrist George Vaillant found that people who grew up in families where alcohol was forbidden at the table but consumed elsewhere were seven times more likely to be alcoholics that those who came from families where wine was served with meals but drunkenness was not tolerated.
Vaillant also looked at cross-cultural data, finding a much higher frequency of alcohol abuse in cultures that prohibit drinking among children but condone adult drunkenness (such as Ireland) and a relatively low occurrence of alcohol abuse in countries that allow children to occasionally sample wine or beer but frown on adult drunkenness (such as Italy).
Moderate exposure coupled with mature adult modeling is the key.
Vaillant concluded that teens should be allowed to enjoy wine on occasion with family meals. “The way you teach responsibility,” he noted in 2008, “is to let parents teach appropriate use.” 4
Religious and cultural traditions that forbid forbid forbid often end up with more dysfunction per acre than those that teach and encourage moderation. Southern Baptists joke even amongst themselves about their hypocrisy regarding alcohol. My mother-in-law once went to a hotel that was completely filled with conventioneers — yet when she went to the hotel bar, it was completely empty.
“Where is everybody?” she asked the bartender.
“It’s a Baptist convention,” he said, “so they’re drinking in their rooms.”
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Fascinating article about the Baptist resolution condemning alcohol consumption — complete with a demonstration of the weak art of argument by scriptural cherrypicking (on all sides)
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1Quoted in Pearson, Beth, “The art of creating ethics man,” The Herald (Scotland), January 23, 2006.
2Abstinence Education Faces An Uncertain Future,” New York Times, July 18, 2007; Bearman, Peter and Hannah Brückner: “Promising the Future: Virginity Pledges and First Intercourse.” American Journal of Sociology, Vol. 106, No. 4 (Jan 2001), pp. 859-912.
3Quoted in Asimov, Eric, “Can Sips at Home Prevent Binges?” New York Times, March 26, 2008.
4Ibid.
This is such a great point and one that I have already begun practicing with my kids. They are 7 and 5 and both have already had drinks of beer and wine (they didn’t like it, by the way).
I wonder how something like this applies to sex. I try to make sure my kids are not sheltered from nudity on TV and movies and definitely have Playboys laying around the house and we have also had multiple discussions on where babies come from and what sex is. I wonder about our society’s fear of pornography and if it is really good for society.
Comment: jcornelius – 12. June 2009 @ 2:01 pm
The consensus of developmental experts is (1) treat it as a natural, normal topic, (2) be sure to let them know that masturbation is natural and normal, something that “everyone” does, and nothing to be ashamed of, and (3) when the time comes, talk about the very real consequences of carelessness.
Regarding the fear of pornography (or sex generally): It’s especially striking compared to our high tolerance for violence. In Europe, the poles are reversed — attitudes toward sex are relaxed and toward violence are much more stringent.
Comment: Dale – 12. June 2009 @ 2:07 pm
Maybe I should move to Europe
Comment: jcornelius – 12. June 2009 @ 3:21 pm
I *love* the caption on that image. That’s a piece art history awesomeness, Dale.
I know this is only anecdotal, but neither of my parents drink, my father gave up smoking before I was born, and neither I nor my sisters drink. The worst substance I abuse is coffee.
I am not sure why this is; we were never given heavy handed rules about it or anything. But my grandparents and extended family rarely drink either. The first time I sipped wine, I couldn’t stop shuddering. So maybe it’s a taste-aversion thing going on.
Here in Toronto, Canada, I think we’re a little but of a mixture of European and American influence. It’s legal for women in Ontario to be topless in public (indefensible discrimination in our Charter of Rights & Freedoms), but you only see it very rarely on the streets of Toronto. Gay marriage has been legal a long while, and affection between same-sex couples in public is pretty common, IMO. Toronto is one of the world’s most ethnically diverse cities (oh – is my proud showing?) so tolerance and live-and-let-live tend to be defining features.
Comment: Glendon Mellow – 12. June 2009 @ 6:22 pm
I noticed the author of the NY Times piece only talks about wine at the dinner table. He never mentions beer, which I would think is a much more common beverage of choice for American parents. I wonder if he would still be in favor of “teenage sips” if beer is being served instead.
Also, it seems this is the drink most youth are in danger of abusing. It’s not intuitive to me that introducing teenagers to the taste of wine lowers the odds of abusing beer. They seem different enough to not (at least strongly) correlate. What does seem intuitive would be to introduce them to good tasting beer. Then when they are old enough to buy it themselves, they won’t go for the cheap stuff to get drunk. It will just taste too horrible to drink a whole 12 pack. They will have developed an appreciation for it, and won’t waste money buying “Beast” or “Natty”. You don’t really hear of college kids passing out at a party from too many Blue Moon or Sam Adams or Heineken.
The reason I thought of this is my recent experiences with coffee. I used to drink it occasionally, anywhere, and couldn’t really tell the difference between good and bad – it all just tasted like coffee. But when I started buying fresh beans and grinding them myself and drinking it more regularly I noticed a big difference. I can no longer stand pre ground coffee or beans that are more than a week old. I could easily see the same thing happening to beer drinkers.
Comment: Ryan – 16. June 2009 @ 10:53 am
Matches my own experience exactly. I hated beer until I was 23 and out of college — at which point I had a good one. I filled a cup at college parties and managed to get through half of that dreck, then held it as a prop for hours.
Comment: Dale – 16. June 2009 @ 12:09 pm
[...] The Meming of Life » Keeping forbidden fruit from taking root … [...]
Pingback: Why did God intelligent design the Garden of Eden to have the Forbidden Fruit of the Power to Know the Differ- | Garden Design Ideas – 17. June 2009 @ 5:22 am
My 5-yr old will often get a 1/2 inch or so of wine at dinner. He gets sips of my beer too. My 8-yr old doesn’t like either, but will often ask to taste or is asked if she would like to taste. I grew up in an Italian-America household so red wine was pretty much at EVERY dinner. Now, as a parent I’ve actually made a conscious decision to introduce wine and beer with the idea that neither will be so novel when they’re 15.
Comment: Jim Lemire – 18. June 2009 @ 5:10 pm
I’ve been on the “let ‘em try it” bandwagon for quite some time. I have some New Year’s Eve photos of my elementary school-aged son raising a cordial glass of Asti Spumante, which would make the hair on the toes of his school’s guidance counselor curl. His school’s character ed program does not distinguish between alcohol and any other drug. Talk about absolutes! As with everything else, we need to model appropriate behavior to our kids and let them have age-appropriate experiences of our grown up world.
Comment: codysmom – 19. June 2009 @ 6:54 pm